Me: I am bored......
Lewis: .....
Me: Why am I bored?????
Lewis: ......Because you are a workaholic?
Me: I am NOT a workaholic!!!!!!

That conversation happened on the first day of my vacation. Anyway, I am NOT a workaholic.......

Since I am bored out of my mind and Lewis just flied back to South Carolina for the week, I went to the local bookstores to see if I can find something to distract me. Unfortunately I happened to discover Christine Feehan's new Carpathian series. I didn't even like her style and the story all that much, but I can't pass this one up since the main character is one of those horribly misunderstood, not evil type (honestly, he is NOT evil). Then I went to Wal-mart to see if it finally has the yarn I was looking for so I can finish crocheting my blanket. Well, it does. It also has the newest Southern Vampire series. Since Eric finally get to hook up with the main character in this book again, I just have to buy it. T_T. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thank God I am able to resist the temptation at Michael's. I swear, my brain needs to stop picking up new hobbies and new books.

After over a month, everything finally arrived to Mobile, AL. After a few days of unpacking and unloading, I have finally settled down. Now I have a brand new desktop that's way faster than my old laptop, a bed, and all of my kitchen stuff. Yeppy~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!

Finally used the skillet again after a month. It is actually very satisfactory, even though I didn't really do much except stirring the ready made frozen stuff. But I am planning on getting some more grocery on Saturday or Sunday and start making home make food. If everything works out well, I should be able to bring home make food to lunch starting August. God this is sooooo wonderful.

Plans this weekend:
1. Try to refresh some of the EKG stuff so hopefully I will only sound like a partial idiot instead of a complete idiot on Monday
2. See what recipe to try from my cookbooks and recipe collections
3. Wondering around internet
4. Hopefully study a little bit during the weekend!!!

Moved to Mobile, AL for a few weeks now. Unfortunately, the movers has NOT show up yet. We are still trying to get our stuff as soon as we can, but as of now, it looks as if we might have to report the company to the Attorney General once they breached our contract and see if we can get our stuff back when the government finally intervenes. We will see what happens. I really hope that I can get our stuff as soon as possible simply because how many valuables are in there (almost all of my textbooks and almost all of Lewis' stuff, not to mention all of my kitchen stuff). Word of advice, do NOT ever use Sky Moving and Storage for anything. This company is horrible and will lie to you through their teeth.

Aside from the whole "dealing with the moving company to try to get our stuff as soon as possible", life is pretty good. I like the wards service, even though we do get some admissions and consults that makes one wants to bang his or her head. But over all, I love it. I think I am also doomed to keep on getting weird cases that I have no idea what's going on. It seems that whichever service I am on will always get at least one weird case that baffles everybody.................Hmmm, maybe I am cursed.....

I think I need to have the opinions of my trusted friends again. The story goes like this: I have a pretty good male friend I met online (through IRC) about 5 to 6 years ago. We first talked on IRC, then moved to AIM. Over the years, we talked about many things, but we have never actually met each other in person. Then I met Lewis and fell deeply in love and got engaged. Now I talked to Lewis all the time online whenever we are not living together. But I still talked to the friend online. Not really to vent much, but just chatting. Sometimes even when Lewis is around. In fact, they got into minor arguements with each others thrugh AIM (how stupid is it?)

And then, my mom found out that I am still talking to the said friend online even after I have been engaged to Lewis. Her first reaction is "how can you still be in contact with him? Does he even know that you are getting married?" Then my mom warned me not to tell him where I am moving to and never to meet him in person. Even better, my mom warned me to stop my communication with the said friend. The reason is because I am being unfaithful to Lewis and she doesn't want anything to happen.

So, I am really, curious, in your opinion, does talking/communicating/emailing to friends of the opposite sex constitute as being unfaithful in a relationship? Once married, should one stop all communication with friends of the opposite sex?
 
What do you guys think?

Lewis and I are down in Mobile, AL to find an apartment for us to live in for the next four years, turn in my paperwork to the hospital, and check out the city. After looking at 4 apartments in both Mobile and Daphne, we settled for an 1363 square feet apartment. It is smaller than the 1800 square feet apartment we found, but it will be available at a more appropriate time frame and we don't have to put down nearly 2000 dollars to secure the place. It is also not right next to the Mobile Bay, but it is VERY close to all the stores Lewis and I love and need to survive. It is also close to three bookstores (not one, but three.........lovely~~~~!!!), a Marble Slab (Lewis loves this one), and a public library. Not to mention easy accessible to good barbeque and fresh seafood. Yum Yum. There are also three swimming pools in the apartment complex, for whatever that is worth. The best part? It is only 710 dollars a month!!!

We also found a really, really, really nice barbeque place. The place is surprisingly small, but very decently priced and oh my dear god tastes soooooooooooo good. They slow cooked the meat for up to 30 hours and oh my god I love the ribs and their beans. I can tell that we will be making several trips down there already. Then we also went for some nice fresh seafood. It was a bit more expensive than I will liked, but it was worth it. The service was great, the food is REALLY fresh and tastes great, and the restaurant has a great view of the Mobile Bay. I love the shrimp and oysters. I also liked the fish dish Lewis had. Hmmmmmm, yummy food. We haven't found the best place to buy fresh seafood to cook for ourselves yet, but I am sure we will be able to find something after I start talking to the residents.

Now all we need to do is to find a place for Asian groceries and maybe even the art supply store. I think we will have lots of fun down here at Mobile.

After 4 years, I have finally graduated from medical school on May 8th, 2009. Horray~~~~!!!
Now I am officially a MD, even if I still have to complete a four year residency training. Yeppy~~~~!!!

Of course, mom and dad took some pictures using my digital camera. And afterwards, I finally get to play with Snapfish and try to figure out how to get the prints as soon as possible (which is actually very easy). The end result being that 1) I really like my 7.2 megapixel digital camera, even though I know there are better ones out there for about the same price now; 2) I really love all the services and merchandise Snapfish has to offer, even if I know this is really a massive marketing/materalistic/captalistic scam to get me to span money on useless crap; and 3) I think I am more interested than ever to eventually take up photography and digital art as one of my already a bit too much to list hobbies (I think I secretely have ADHD). I am already drooling over photoshop and dreaming about eventually getting myself a digital drawing/writing pad. Now I guess I will through a better digital camera onto the list. Meanwhile, I think I will start taking more pictures using my beloved and trusted camera and explore everything Snapfish has to offer.

Yeppy!!!! Pictures!!! Photos!!!!New hobbies!!!!

While checking on the entries of my friends on LJ, I saw an interesting post on a catholic community that has stirred up quite some debate. The journal posting is about the catholic church's position on artificial birth conrol, especially under several "hypothetical situations". Some of the replies are understandably heated. For example, one of the reply suggested that when a man and woman get married under the catholic church, the understanding is that the marriage is to result in procreation and birth of child or children who will then be raised under the teachings of the Catholic church. And if the partner refused to have any children, it is ground to get the marriage annulled. The same person who posted the comment went on to make some even more outrageous comment that I sincerely hope is more the person's way to be sarcastic rather than his or her actual beliefs.

Even as a Catholic, I am always amazed at the Church's teachings on sexuality - namely that it is a sin only tolerated if it is used for procreation rather than personal enjoyment. And if you really follow the Church's teachings to the dot and waited to have sex until you get married, then it stands to reason that the reason why you are having sex is because of your desire to start a family and raise children as a way to praise and honor God. And to be honest, I understand the whole idea of having children under the care of responsible and loving adults. What I otherwise don't understand is why sex is viewed as such a horrible thing and why can't two otherwise responsibile adults who love each other engage in sexual activity without wanting to procreate?

And I think part of the reason has to do with the historical time period when Christianity took root and started to become the organized religion that it is today. Everybody knows that Christianity as a religion is based on the teaching of Jesus and his disciples, which happened mostly during the height of Roman empire. The dominant society of the time is very open and receptive about sexuality. So open and receptive that scandals abounds. And most of the early Christians were actively trying to oppose these dominant social trend at the time. In an attempt to follow the teachings of Jesus, most of the Christians were actively trying to distant themselves from the "immoral" behaviors the others were engaged in during the time period. And as Christianity finally gained enough grounds to become the official religion of Rome, the Christians no doubt took the chance to labelled all the excessive behaviors as "sinful and wrong". Sex, of course, becomes one of the most evil sins on earth.

But stop and think for a minute. Is the act of sex sinful in and of itself? Or rather is it excessive sex, especially sex without love and commitment an actual sin?

And then there is the question about child bearing.

Personally, I think chldren are blessings from God. I really do. But as a responsible adult, I also know that I neither the patience, temperment, or the ability to shoulder on the task of bringing up a child or children. It is not merely a question of financial capability but emotional capability. I might be a responsible adult, but I am also terribly impatient to be able to take care of a child who requires my unwavering attention. While I have many skills, child rearing is just not one of them. And I am free to maintain this belief under the teachings of Catholic Church, as long as I decided to remain single and never have sex. If I ever decided to get married, then I cannot use any time of contraception other than NPH. The argument goes that if you use any other contraceptive methods, you are going against God's will and actively countering God's plans for you.

Personally, I see at least three flaws with this argument. First, that sex is an inherently sinful act that can only be justified through the reason of procreation. If this view is to remain true, then one can argue that God has intentionally created something sinful. But remember, sin does not exist when God first created the world. Neither does sin exist when God created Adam and Eve. Sin is something that humans can commit AFTER humans gained the ability to make the judgement of right or wrong. Sin only happened when humans started to perceive things as either good or bad. Remember the passage in Genesis when God first find out that Adam and Eve had ate the forbidden fruit. God neither agree or disagree with Adam about whether or not him being naked was a sin. His reaction was 1. asking Adam who told him that being naked was wrong and shameful and 2. Adam has not only strayed from His command but also tried to blame it on Eve. In the end, was God more angry at Adam for his disobedience, or his trying to not take responsibility for his own actions and behaviors? We might never know unless God provided the answer for us. But either way, we can make an arguement that the sin in this matter is not whether or not Adam was naked, but the fact that Adam had not only disobeyed a direct command from God but tried to deny being responsible for his own actions. By the same argument, can we at least argue that, sex in and of itself is not a sin. But that sex without love (or at least due consideration for the other party is, since it goes against the command from God to love thy neighbors) and sex without consideration and desire to take responsibility for the possible consequences are? If this being the case, is it a bigger sin to have sex, but yet take precautions to avoid a child who you might not be able to properly raise, or to allow a child to being born knowing that you do not have anyway of raising the innocent life?

The second flaw being that God has no way of penetrating artificial birth controls if he has any special plans. Most of the people who argue against artificial birth control argues on the basis that 1. it is unnatural and 2. it goes directly against the plans God intended for the couple and prevents God from blessing the couple with children. The flaw in these two arguments are that 1. as humans, everything we do is in some way, shape, or form to go against nature. So how come using electricity in order to work after nightfall or using artificial means to prolong life are not considering sinful but using artificial contraception is? 2. God is supposed to be almighty. If He can make a virgin conceive, surely a birth control with a failure rate ranging from 3% to 0.3% is not going to be a problem at all for God. I mean, if God really intend on you having that kid, trust me, no matter how many contraceptions you are using, he will find a way to let you have that kid and make sure that it turned out exactly the way he intended him or her to be. Anybody who argues against it obviously do not truely believe in God's power and ability here. 

Third, those who argues for NPH advocates it just as an effective way to avoid unintended pregnancy. Most states that couples who employeed this method correctly never has any unintended pregnancy. Which raised an interesting point - that couples who use this method use this primarily to avoid unwanted pregnancies while still enjoy sex. So if this method is just as effective as the artificial birth control and obviously used with the same intention as other artificial birth control, why is using NPH not considered as a sin? Why is it not considered a sin if the couple who uses NPH is using it in order to enjoy sex with no intention of procreation?

Is using artificial birth control a sin and an one way ticket to hell? I have no idea (since I am not God, fortunately). This is a question I guess we will just have to find out after we died. But do I personally believed that I have sinned by taking a precaution on my part to prevent having a child that I know I might not be fully capable of raising. No, I don't think so. Like I said, if having a child IS part of God's plan for me, he will let that happen - birth control or no birth control. He let a virgin conceived, dang it (which, theoretically, is the BEST way to prevent pregnancy, according to both the Catholic Church and the medical community).

For those of you who are even remotely interested in my residency drama, here is an update. As of today, I did not manage to get into either an internal medicine preliminary position or a transitional position. However, In an attempt to prevent me from being unemployeed right after graduation, my medical school has arranged for me to get into a general surgery preliminary position. The school is now trying to work out a deal for me to be able to do some rotations with the internal medicine department during my intern year. In order to be able to get my license in neurology, I must have a minimum of 8 months of internal medicine training. The hope is that I can get these trainings while I am an intern in the surgery department. If not, hopefully I can work out a deal later with my neurology residency to be able to do it at the tail end of my neurology training. But nobody is certain about how everything will turn out, they are just being hopeful.

The problem?

I am not sure this is what I wanted, even if this is my only option if I wanted to continue to pursue a career in medicine.
 
I don't know if this is really for me because I had seriously considered quitting medical school during my surgery rotation. Not the, "oh, maybe I will quit if...." scenario. But the "so these are the jobs available in the Atlanta area right now that I can apply to, here is how I can be a high school teacher, and let me google on how to type out my withdrawal letter to my dean" scenario. I still remember the mornings when I sit in front of the computer typing up the notes on my patients while simultaneously look at job postings online at 6am. I still remember how I go to bed depressed about having to go back to work the next day. I still remember how I much I wanted to cry when I came back home because I was so tired and yet I still had to study, despite the fact that no matter how much time I devoted to the books and anatomy atlas, my attendings were never impressed. Most scary thing was that I still remember how everytime I walked out of my dorm, I wish that a drunk driver or an idiot would just hit me while I cross the street. I had not submit my letter of withdrawal because of my weekly visit to the counsellor and the antidepressants. That and the fact that I thought I found my calling in the field of neurology.

Now that I have to go back to the exact same place that gave me a taste of what depression is like, I don't know if I can do it again. And even more scary is the fact that I don't know if it is worth it in the end. I wanted to make myself believe that if I just tough this out, everything will be alright again. But that was what I believed in an year and half, almost two years ago. Until I found out that, really, these beliefs were nothing but empty promises other people throw at you from a safe distance. Ever since I have found out that no residency programs, not even my own school, wanted to have me as a resident, I cannot get rid of the feeling that I am nothing but damaged good (if even that). And worse, I don't know if I am really going to be even half way decent to make all of this effort worthwhile. I no longer dare to hope that things will turn out fine in the future. And I don't know if going through a surgery intern when i barely survived it last time is really wise. Am I putting my mental health on the line? What if this time, it not only gives me depression? What if something else happened?

I don't know anymore. I wish that I have a crystal ball that can give me a certain sign. Something that tells me what the road ahead is going to be like. Something that gives me a hint about what will happen with my future.

Not so long ago, I thought I knew. Now, I no longer know what I wanted.

Then again, everybody keeps on telling me that I just need to tough it out. That everything will be fine if I can just stick through it. That this is just a bump on the road. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That life is hard, and I just need to be more resilient and be able to take more shit and endure on.

I don't know. Maybe I am a pussy for having doubts. Maybe I am being an idiot for letting the bad experience from surgery making me depressed all over again at just the thought of having to go through it again. Maybe I am a cry baby for being sacred because I don't know what will happen in the future.

Maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I really am a failure in life?

First of all, I want to apologize for a mistake in my previous post (Resident Evil 5). Resident Evil 4 was set in remote Spain, not Romania. I am sorry for all the Romanians who were wrongfully blamed in the previous entry.

Now, moving on.

I find the whole AIG mess oddly entertaining, about as entertaining as the whole octuplet mom mess. And honestly, without the support of Lewis, family, and the AIG mess on CNN, I doubt I can get through last week on my own without going insane.

I find AIG really entertaining mostly because of its decision to give out the bonuses. The reason for the bonus was that it was in the contract. And if the bonuses were not given, the company risk getting itself into legal troubles, not to mention loose the talents and assets to other competitors on Wall Street. As a result, the company made the decision to use the bail out money to pay for the retaintion bonuses in the hope of keeping these rare talents on Wall Street. The only problem with this logic? Well, first, the said company is on the verge of bankrupcy and is depending on the US government's financial assistance for survival. Second, the said talents were the ones who got the company into such a deep financial crisis to begin with. Forgive me for asking this retarded question, but why in the world will you want to retain the same people who got your company into bankrupcy to begin with???? Why not fire them and hire somebody else????? If I don't earn my salary, my hospital definitely will have no problem fire my sorry ass. In fact, even with good recommendation letters and a few awards and dsitinctions, the residency programs still have no problem rejecting me. The whole medical community had no problem telling a graduating medical student that all of her efforts in the past four years were wasted. But apparently, the financial world has a serious problem letting inadequate people whose recklessness endangered the entire financial business go. What a wonderful display of loyalty? Maybe my next goal in life is to work for companies like AIG. Definitely better than slaving through medical school and residency.

Then there is this whole thing about AIG is "too big to fail". I have no doubt that AIG is this evil company that permeated in every aspect of American and Global society. Yes, I know that even the air I am currently breathing this minute is probably insured by AIG. And yes, the whole world is going to go back into dark ages where plagues and witch trials haunted the poor citizens on a daily basis. But for God's sake, the damn thing is failing. Let it fail!!!! As everybody keeps on telling me this past week, the world might looks like it is going to end, but it really just keeps on spinning without out skipping a beat even though I did not get into any residency programs (the thing is still not fully sorted out yet, by the way). So do we really think that if we let the company run its dying course and allow it to die, the world is going to end? This planet we called Earth will stop spinning around the sun and a nuclear winter will happened? That life on Earth will cease to exist the minute AIG declared bankrupcy or becomes history? People, please get a grip. Yes, life is going to be hard if we allowed AIG to fail. I have no doubt that we might actually be in a depression if that happened. So? Just as maybe it is time for me to seriously rethink about a career in medicine, letting AIG fail might also be time for the US to rethink about its lifestyle for the past few years. Maybe a depression will allow people to realize that, no, money do not grow on trees. Nor do they spontaneously fall from the sky every morning. We have to work for it, and we better use it carefully. That there are more important thing in life than a bigger TV or a better house.

And finally, am I the only one finding this bail out very hypocritical? First of all, the business and the financial sector strongly opposed any kind of regulation from the government. This is a free market, and free market runs itself without any regulations. It does not need any regulations since it corrects itself as needed. No governemtn regulation in the free market. But when their recklessness led to a meltdown, they all come to Washington DC begging for a bail out. Now they claim that if no bail out was allowed, the problem will be too big for the market to handle. So, in another words, the free markets can correct itself until when it looks like the self-correction will cost you your own company? Is it just me or is it very similar to a kid who does not want his mom to interfere with his lifes but somehow expect his mom to go bail him out every time he gets thrown in jail? If free market follows its own rules and can always correct itself without the need for government to regulate it, then why does it need government assistance for? Give it time to work itself out. I am sure after a few hundreds, or thousands, of companies failed and died out, things will be back on track again. Remember? In a free economy, the market can always correct itself. Why will anyone wants to bother with it then?

But we cannot let it fail. Because it is too big. Because letting comapnies like AIG failed will mean to let executive out of job, to take away their ability to enjoy their thousand dollar a pop cigar and billion dollars a pop mansions. Because letting companies like AIG failed will stop history right at its tracks, the end of humanity as we know it, the end of this planet called Earth, and destroy the whole universe while we are at it.

So alas, save AIG, save the world.

In a casual conversation with Lewis' brother this past weekend, both Lewis and I were shocked to find out that apparently some people is labelling Resident Evil 5 as a racist game. Their reason being that the game involve a white protagonist shooting black antagonists in the continent of Africa. The game is obviously racist because it involves white shooting blacks and because it portrays Africa as a dark and uncivilized continent. 

Somehow, I find this whole line of arguement very disturbing. 

I wonder if the same people who are putting out these arguements know that Resident Evil 4 was set in Romania and obviously portrayed the simple Romanian farmers as superstitious and easily manipulated? Or that it also involves a white protagonist shooting his way through the locals in the local Romanian village from the start, without even realizing what exactly is going on? 

I guess not, because obviously, shooting and killing Romanian locals are acceptable. But having a mixed race team of special agents in Africa to try to stop a group of bioterrorists is racist, backward, and unacceptable. 

Why?

I don't know. I honestly don't. If we are allowed to portray Russians as communism enbracing, nuclear weapon crazed, and vodka addicted alcoholics in every single Bond movies ever produced; Chinese as corrupted business and/or city officials; or Italians as Mafia crime families talking about murder over dinner; why is it all of the sudden an unforgivable sin to have a game that depicts a team of mixed raced special agents heading into a politically unstable region in the world to bring down a group of international bioterrorists? Especially since the same company had produced another game in the same series protraying a white protagonist heading into Romania to defeat a group of obviously very power hungry, dangerous, but otherwise ignorant Romanian locals. 

Doesn't this make you feel like some kind of double standard?

And then, while I am on the topic, why is it that this country is so obssessed about the races? Yes, I understand about slavery, which was one of the dark chapters in human history. I understand the evil of segregation, which had prevented many young and talented individuals from realizing their full potentials because of nothing other than the color of their skin. But these mistakes were done. While we cannot change the past, we cannot dwell on the past. We must remember what happened in order to prevent us from repeating our mistakes. But concentrating on the past wrong is not going to make them right. At some point in time, people have to take up responsibilities for themselves. At some point in time, the rest of the American society cannot be blamed for your lack of job, education, wealth, illness, or addictions. At some point in time, an effort has to be made to bring oneself out of a bad situation. Help and assistances can help one get by, they can provide the necessary catalyze for a success story, but they can never make one successful without somebody actively putting in enough effort. 

As a Chinese, I have heard countless times about how "smart" Asians are. What most people don't realize is that, we are not anymore smarter than the people from any other race. The reason why we Asians are successful are not because we are just blessed by superior genes or because we are loved by the other races. We are successful because we are willing to put in the effort. We are willing to start from the beginning and work our way up. Even after a day of hard work, we are willing to sit down and monitor our children's school work and academic process. We are successful because we refuse to take success for granted, because we are welling to cut down on the self indulgence to make sure that the next generation is well provided and educated, because we are willing to set a goal and make sacrifices towards the goal. 

So are the criticisms right about Resident Evil 5 being a racist game? I have no idea. But I think it is time to stop wasting energy on whether or not it is acceptable for a white protagonist in a video game to go to Africa in order to eliminate terrorists hidden behind the politically unstable government in Africa and start working on taking up more responsibilities to govern ourselves.   

I need an Internal Medicine Preliminary position or a Transitional position for this upcoming July. Unless I get one of these positions, I will not have anything. Basically, I will have a MD degree and be unemployeed. As of 06:55pm, there are 5 Internal Medicine Preliminary positions and 3 Transitional Year positions still open. None of them has called or emailed me yet.

I guess it is time to work on my resume on Monster.com so I can apply to Wal-Mart come this May.

Ever since I decided on Neurology as my specialty, I was happy and thrilled. Most importantly, I always feel that I am decent with the specialty. My residents and attendings loved me during my neurology related rotations. And I really feel like I can do well in this field. And although I knew that I was not likely to get into my top two choices, I always thought that I should be able to get into at least one place. But apparently, I am grossly incomptent since I did not match into any program. What's more, there is only one unfilled Neurology spot through out the entire US. As a result, unless I really have a death wish, I need to scratch the idea of neurology off the board and switch to a completely different specialty. Even then, I still might not get into a residency program.

Good job Judy! Nice to know that I have wasted four years of my life getting a useless degree and become unemployeed!

I have officially been informed that I did NOT match to any of the residency programs I interviewed at. As a result, I will have to participate in this process called Scramble (basically me trying to find a program with unfilled spot and see if any of them will take me). If that did not work, then I will have a MD degree but otherwise out of job. And without the residency training, I cannot work as a clinician in the US. I guess what I should have done is withdrew from medical school my freshman year and find a job at Wal-mart.

Guess my MD degree might just be useless, afterall.

Lovely!

I have finally decided that Pandora is an evil online service? Why? Because despite the fact that I have not been following any Japanese related stuff for the past few years, I somehow still managed to get myself addicted with another Japanese band, MUCC. And I swear that none of this would have happen had it not been for Pandora.

For those of you who are interested, here is a performance of the sound that Judy is currently hooked on on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz5yVGyiUWc

God I love the song!

Our school was apparently involved in this research study to evaluate the prospect of using a clinical reasoning test to evaluate the medical students' clinical knowledge and abilities. God, the test results are depressing. As a senior in medical school and an upcoming intern in July, I scored in the 17th percentile on one of the test compared to my peers.

God, I am going to suck as a doctor........

For the past few months, I have been working on putting down the story that has been floating in my head for the past few years down on paper (or, more precisely, microsoft word document). I am actually proud of myself, since one of my dreams in life is to eventually finish a novel. Slowly, I am working toward that dream. Just when I started to think that things are going great, I suddenly hit a period when I get extremely lazy again and can't work up the energy to make myself open up the Microsoft Word and type away. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Plus, I am getting lazy about studying.

Man, I am just incredibly lazy this month.

That being said, I am looking for beta readers for my story. Anybody who is into fantasy or vampires and who is interested in reading some extremely unpolished works, please let me know!

My mom has been sick since about Thursday. Unfortunately for her, besides fever and chill and the usual stuff, she also has a really bad cough. And if she starts coughing, usually she does not get better any time soon. And since I am in medical school and also had a nasty cough last year when I started my clinical rotation, she decided that I am the best person to ask for her symptom. So aside from grilling me for the past 2 to 3 days about whether to start antibiotic therapy, she also grilled me for what happened last time I had a cough. And I told her what happened. I had went to the ER, got Tylenol 3 with codeine. The cough improved but then came back after codeine wore off. I also kept on having fever and chill a week after the whole thing started, so my resident kicked me over to the student health service and I finally got five days of Axithromycin treatment, which helped my fever and chill, but didn't do anything to the cough. The cough didn't improve until my mom finally had enough and got some bronchodilator mailed from Taiwan. I think the cough actually persisted for a month or so, it was just not quite as bad as before.

So I told my mom all that, for the past 2 to 3 days. No, my fever didn't improve unbtil after I started on the antibiotics. No, my cough didn't improve at all even after I am done with my antibiotics. No, the cough didn't improve on its own, I had to take bronchodilators before the cough finally improved. And the ribs/side pain she is having is probably because of the cough she is having. And no, I can't offer anything better besides anti-inflammatory. And no, I can't diagnosed why she has recurrent "muscle" pain on the side of her chest. The best thing I can offer for her is to take Ibuprofen or other NSAIDs if she started to have these pains. So I told her all that Friday and Saturday nights. I called back on Sunday night again to check on how she is doing, she still complained of the cough and the pain. And just kept on asking me the same question over and over again. I just got tired of it. I know I started to sound very impatient, because she knows what happened as much as I did. She was the one who got me the bronchodilators last year. And I have been telling her the same thing for the past two days. Not to mention that I kept on telling her that there is nothing else I can do for her cough.

So of course, when I called tonight, I heard from my dad that she is pissed at me because of my tone of voice yesterday night and for being impatient with her. Hidden within the conversation is the silent accusation of "why can't you just be more patient with your mother and be nice? Why must you be such a bitch?"

And I guess I asked for it. I should have known better than being impatient. After all, it is not like I can do anything to help. And I should understand that, hidden under all the repetitive questions was her silent plead to ask for help. She was silently begging me to go to either my resident or attending to see if there is anyway they provide me some insights as to what she can do to make the cough better. Anything they can prescribe so that they can get some kind of relief. Something that will help. But not only did I not help, I even turned around and bit their heads off for asking questions.

Just another piece of evidence that I am being the most ungrateful bitch ever being borned.

Good Job Judy, for pissing your parents off and broken their hearts again!

Lewis and I are engaged as of yesterday, 1/19/2009.

Despite my worries, my parents were somewhat calm when they received the news. I think my mom is extremely sad that her daughter will soon be married and that she won't be able to see me every chance she has. But at least they have not decided to disown me or anything, which is good. They, however, insisted again that I have the wedding in a Catholic Church, which I am planning on doing anyway. The most important thing for me to do now, of course, will be to find a Catholic Church in either Columbia, SC or Augusta, GA with a priest who is willing to marry a Catholic to a Non-Catholic. I have asked one of my professor and he doesn't think that I will run into too much of a problem, unless Lewis is strongly Anti-Catholic.

My dad, however, has some misgivings about the religious differences between me and Lewis. He thinks that it is best for everybody in the family to have the same religion. Given our background, he thinks that it will be best if I can somehow persuade him into the Catholic faith. Personally, I don't think of that as a major problem. Mostly because although Lewis and I have believed in different denominations of Christianity, we still both believed in the same God and the same Bible. Plus, of all the denominations, Lutheran is probably the closest to Catholicism out there. That and plus Lewis really has no problem going to a Catholic Church with me and even raising our children up as Catholics (if we ever have any children). And personally, I have seen many mixed marriage couples who have lasting relationship and clearly love and care for each other. So I feel a bit more confident that, despite our religious differences, this can all work itself out. 

And the whole concern over Catholicism and other Christian denominations also ties into the question of what will Jesus think about the current state of Christianity. Assuming that Jesus appears at this exact moment, 1/20/2009, what will he say about the Christians through out the world? Will he praise the Catholics only, because it is the original and official church of Chrisitianity established by him?  Will he condamn the other Christian denomination because they contain nothing but heresy and deviated from the teaching of the original Catholic Church? Or will he actually shake his head and laugh at the hostilities between the different denominations within Christianity? To be honest with you, I don't know. I am not God, nor am I Jesus. I have no idea what he will do or say on this matter. For all I know, he might be mad at everybody. But I will much rather think that, for somebody who has preached repeatedly against the Pharisees and taught love, compassion, and tolerance, Jesus is going to wonder why can't we just accept our differences in opinion and just worship his Father and love each other. Indeed, the most beautiful thing about Christianity is that, Jesus has never tell us what to do when there is a disagreement about which theological doctrine is the right one. All Jesus ever tried to tell us is to love each other, to be humble, and to love God. If we can all acknowledge the presence of God, does it really matter that if I set foot into the Lutheran church on occasion? Or if I perfer to pray to Virgin Mary and have her relay my prayer to God instead of praying to Jesus directly? Or if I believe in this rite instead of the other rite? I have to admit that there are certain things that I still feel strongly about, despite of everything I said (for example, getting married in a Catholic Church, or the importance of Virgin Mary and praying to her, or the rosaries, etc). But I really think that if we both work very hard, we can still be a loving and caring family, despite our religion preferences being different.

Anyway, hopefully I will find some Catholic priest to marry us in a Catholic Church.

Resident: "So what do you want to go into?"
Me: "Neurology."
Resident: "Really? That's too bad. You are actually doing pretty good. I guess there is always time to change."
Me: "................."

And I was actually happy to hear that, despite the fact that I still don't like ER too much.

Ah, the vanity in Judy...............